self..destruct

let guard down..feeling again..choking..shouldn’t have spoken..made mistake…too late..time has come..to self..destruct…an act of love..love my self..love must be freed..energy flow free…starved self..tonights trip will focus..only on destruction..moth to flame..as attar said..if one single hair remains..plunge into despair…no inch of self will remain…become one with fire..become the light…hit the button..to self destruct.

meditating

sat still..different positions..music blaring..concentrating..on being..still..in that moment..then suddenly..shrouded mirror appeared..so i began..tearing at veils..on mirror..each piece..significant part of ego’s life..threw them away..destroying them..destroy means to free it from any association with time..as i did that..see image in mirror..but more i peeled off…harder to tell what image was..there was light…light grew..mirror shone..recurring images of a feminine me..think that’s what image in mirror was…light..sensed by pineal gland..or third eye..light in mirror..pineal gland holds feminine charge..feminine sight…light..third eye…open.

silence

this trip is silent trip…voice of ego has been destroyed..ego will no longer speak…only true self will speak..also..third eye no longer sees finger as foreign…finger is sans ego…ego no longer feels..touch…true self in finger..am i speaking…nonsense…you don’t…understand..too bad..have you no..third eye…check and see.

puddle

sitter is important..miss my sitter…where are you…puddle..ocean is calling for you…evaporate…travel…through wind…cloud…come…thunder…rain..puddle fall down…grains of sand..dirt..washed ashore…only you will remain..sans ego…true self…pure.

deaf

can’t hear myself talking..brother is sitter this time..i am talking..normally..i know what it is like..to be deaf..but i know..how to speak…amazing..headphones…loud…can’t even hear self…not even in mouth..or ear..not at…all…i am deaf..to myself..but i hear everything..this music is amazing…angelic process..god bless them…one of them died..tragedy..but music lives on…taking me..to zion.

walk

buy bread…why me..noo…bike they said…i could die..ego talking..walked..took commission…two golden leaves…pleased..walking…listening to angelic process..giant walks streets…speed bumps become hills…hills becomes…small…baby steps…what am i saying…reach shop…for bread..finish smoke…don’t care..if they think…i’m stoned..not stoned..something else..don’t care..buy bread…walk back home..

epic..walking..walking…music…only three songs played…felt like days..walking…darkness..close eyes…road is mine..walking…waking..music…open eyes…home..room…sit down..listen to weighing souls with sand…angelic process..computer..louder..sonic boom..street fighter..guile..chun li..ryu…ken..battling it out..embrace the evil chi..power…evil ryu..vs..akuma…round one..fight…valhalla…i have arrived.

roofie

bottle of ascodex..three golden leaves..mega bottle coke…music ready…the mars volta…de-loused in the comatorium…angelic process..coma waering…people at home…down bottle…gulp coke…climb up ladder…rooftop..smoke..too much wind…will it hit…wonder…three smokes…done..down..easier than climb..no fear of height..strange…room..bed..fan on low…lower..drone…whir…whirrr…music…de-loused…i defected..

too much ego…let it rise…not good..must push down…music helping…mind..body…seperate..heart at my crotch…two pulses..pounding…double bass..slow…out of time..no such thing as time…time does not exist…construct…instrument of measurement…human creation..flawed..feeling pain..almost threw up…ego is doing this…shut up ego…fuck you..kick ego down..better…self-defence mechanism worthles..against true self..true self strong…what is true self…not real self..reality is contruct…man-made..personal..individual..unique to each..true self is self…sans ego..sans experience..sans environent..true self is truth…truth is universal..true self does not age…true self does not change…true self is change…change is what we are..vibrations…changing states…forms…energy…never destroyed..only transformed…true self must be reached…but to reach..must kill ego..die ego…die..all the egos i have lived…past-lives…ego die…one by one…hitman i man..of ego…assassin…travelling through time…time does not exist…boom…ego down…dishoom…ego dead…headshot…monsterkill.

mirror

was thinking…of whole..ego shelling…removing layers..think i need to..keep going..until i become..endless mirror..reflection..upon reflection..light..upon light…think..as..each version..of self…each life..of ego..a veiled mirror..peel off..each one..mirror..exposed..light..reflects..from one…to another..to another..to another…to another..to another…endless reflections..until image..only one..nothing..and everything…light..energy..consciousness.

sitter

you…observer..seeing all i am up to..why don’t you change..why don’t you too..break free..or at least try..what do you need…to convince you..proof..if i give you proof…if i succeed..would you follow suit..follow me…white rabbit…or be held back…by leash..or trapped..in cage..held by lock and key..society..family…bullshit..you don’t need..leave.. leave it all…it all means nothing…only to your ego…destroy everything..because all matter..is only energy..slowed down..to appear still..solid..rigid..fluid..gaseous..but still only energy..to “destroy” it..is to release it..from the strangehold..of “time”..you can’t really destroy anything…only loosen it..so it may run free..flow freely..just..energy…destruction..is an act of love..love is energy..set it free.

cliffhanger

last night i said things…never thought i’d say..but i did..it wasn’t my ego speaking…it was i..wondering if i should trip tonight…am i okay…i think.. i am..not bothering me too much..slept well…in the altered state..i can forget..destroy it completely…cleanse..right now..ego is clinging to it..importance of it..but i am ignoring my ego…soon i will step on its fingers…that clasp..onto the edge..of the cliff..and watch…ego falling…splat..

i can not guarantee happiness..at the end of the fall..i can only hope.. to end suffering…i cannot begin happiness…once suffering ends…i will have..nothing..and yet…everything…that is happiness..to me.